#39 Run!

It was our school sports day last Friday, and as I went through the day's itinerary with my tutor group, I mentioned the staff races. One of my lovely students piped up “Miss, are you going to race?” and I answered flippantly, as I often do, “Do I look like I run? If you ever see me running, you should run too, there’s probably something scary chasing me!” Humour is such a commonly used defence mechanism, and those of us  who are fat, physically unfit or disabled (and I fit into all three of those categories) often make light of things by telling a joke rather than make anyone feel uncomfortable. I don't think there's anything wrong with that, in fact many comedians have made a career out of it, but perhaps there are alternative responses.

I am fabulously fat - and  before anyone tells me not to put myself down that's really not what I am doing. I am fat. I have always been fat despite decades of diets and exercise plans and at almost fifty years old I have finally learned to love myself exactly as I am. I'm large, plump, rotund, rubenesque, curvaceous, big, fat.These words are adjectives, they are not insults. If a stranger asked you to describe me I would not be offended if you used the word fat in my description. “Which one is Abi? She’s the fat, short-haired woman with glasses.”  Let's reclaim the word fat as an adjective that is not used in a derogatory sense, because folks there are far worse things to be in the world than fat and I am far more than just the fat woman. I am loud, funny, bubbly, intelligent, confident, kind, attractive, joyful and yes, fantastically, gloriously, fabulously fat!

Anyway, when I first compiled my list of 50 things to do before I'm 50 I started with a post on social media asking friends to suggest challenges that I could undertake. There were many recommendations, some good, some not so good and not all of them made the cut. A significant number of people recommended that I have a go at running, too many to just ignore. This suggestion bothered me. In my head I felt like they were trying to fix me, that if they just got the fat woman running she might shed the pounds. I have no doubt that my friends who recommended it meant well. Running is a part of their lives which they enjoy. It makes them feel physically fitter, mentally well, powerful and liberated and they wanted to share that with me. However, I have mobility issues and it’s a very ableist suggestion. Unconsciously (I hope) they were talking from a place of real privilege when they recommended that this heavy, unfit, disabled woman, who sometimes struggles to climb the stairs at the end of a difficult day, add a run to her list of goals.

Reluctantly I did however decide to add it to the list, then at least I would honestly be able to say I had given it a try and it wasn’t for me. Then a couple of weeks ago I downloaded the BBC Couch to 5K app. Social media is full of people doing this and although I have my doubts it didn't seem like the worst place to start.The app has a small selection of celebrity coaches for you to choose from and I went for Sarah Millican, because I felt that she might have some empathy for a woman reluctant to start running.Today I attempted Run One. I was not well prepared, but I was alone at a private dog park without an audience which seemed like an ideal location. I was wearing wellies and a few too many layers, which were rapidly discarded along the path as I grew warmer, like the most un-erotic striptease in history. You start off walking for 90 seconds, then run for 60, then repeat. Sarah tells you when to switch between the two. It doesn’t sound too bad does it, running for a minute at a time? Well I can tell you, I was out of breath far sooner than I want to admit. By the fourth minute my brisk walking and running were at the same speed, the only difference being the way I moved my arms, and when Sarah offered words of encouragement in her lovely Geordie accent ( “Keep going! You’re doing grand!”) I think I told her to “f**k off.” I paused the app with about 8 minutes left to run and it has remained paused.

Will I keep going? Probably not. I would certainly like to increase the amount of regular exercise I take but I don’t think I will ever really enjoy running and therefore I won’t be able to motivate myself to do it. However it is another item completed from the list.