#48 Have a photo shoot

I was put on my first diet at the age of 3, staying in a hospital an hour from home where everything I ate was calorie-counted, so unsurprisingly I cannot remember a time when I didn't understand that I was too fat and that this was a bad thing to be.


Since early childhood I have either been on a diet or cheating. Consequently I never eat just because I am hungry. Repeated restriction has given me a complex relationship with food: I eat to excess to celebrate, self-medicate or commiserate. Every emotion whether positive or negative is an excuse for a sweet treat or a takeaway. Then afterwards I feel disappointed with myself and decide to "be good" and eat better tomorrow. I have successfully lost weight with Weight Watchers, Slimming World, Slim Fast, Lighter Life, The Cambridge Diet, The F Plan Diet, Rosemary Conley, Atkins, Keto and Intermittent Fasting. I have joined gyms, counted steps, kept food diaries and filled in exercise logs and yet I am still very overweight. All of these things worked but only temporarily and as a consequence of 46 years of dieting I am heavier than I have ever been and I have a wardrobe of clothes which range from a size 18 to a 24.



Being told repeatedly for decades that you need to be fixed, that the way you look is not normal, is extremely damaging to your self-esteem, confidence and emotional well-being. The assumption that you are lazy, greedy and lack willpower and self-discipline is heart-breaking. I am a single professional woman with a successful and challenging career, her own home and a busy social life - I dare anyone to find evidence that I am lazy or undisciplined. The thing I have most wanted all of my life is to be slim, if it could be achieved by hard work and perseverance I would have cracked it by 20.


It has been difficult to give up my dreams of slimness, in the back of my mind there still lingers a shaky belief that the next diet will be the one to transform this chubby caterpillar into a butterfly. However there is an alternative and that is learning to love and accept my body exactly as it is now. So it is with that aim that I had these photographs taken, pictures of me in all my fat glory. I actually think they are rather beautiful.




Comments

  1. UnknownJuly 31, 2021 at 11:50 AM

    wow wow wow. You look fabulous. Your story made me cry, You are a beautiful person inside and out.

    ReplyDelete
  2. UnknownJuly 31, 2021 at 1:44 PM

    Abi. That's wonderful. I love the pictures, you look amazing. Approaching 50 with full confidence, a true warrior!

    ReplyDelete
  3. UnknownAugust 1, 2021 at 5:15 AM

    Abi I love you for the person you are. Xx

    ReplyDelete
  4. MisguidanceAugust 1, 2021 at 1:37 PM

    I think this is the item on the list I have most enjoyed watching you organise. From the first idea to the excitement of planning, to the change in your confidence...it's been a wonderful thing to see, and incredibly inspirational. <3

    ReplyDelete

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